Housewife Blogger

Welcome back, libido

2012-02-13T09:00:00.003-07:00

As suddenly as it left, my libido has returned.

You always hear how horny you'll be once you enter your second trimester, but pregnancy books suggest that not all women are like that. So while I was hoping that I'd be one of the women who gets a libido boost, I had come to terms that it might not show up for a little while.

However, it came back with a vengeance. I think my libido might rival a teenage boy's right now. The Husband can't keep up with me. Literally.

There are days where I need relief at least 4 times a day. But since I can't make The Husband come home from work just to have sex with me, I have to take matters into my own hands. And once The Husband gets home, its hard to squeeze in more than one session when you factor in dinner, time to wind down, and sleep.

With a little bit of practice, I've come up with a schedule for my extra horny days, and they look a little something like this:

Wake up in the wee hours of the morning (which isn't hard since I'm up twice a night to pee anyway), and patiently wait for The Husband to wake up, and take advantage of his morning wood.
Fall back asleep.
Wake up, and take advantage of my alone time with things like, eating, watching t.v., reading, masturbating.
Make dinner, and enjoy once The Husband gets home.
Let dinner digest a little, then pounce.
Go to bed.

This way, The Husband gets a morning pick-me-up, and something to help him sleep at night. And I get my kicks as well.

Swing state

2012-02-03T09:00:00.001-07:00

Every once in a while, The Husband and his friends get together for a man-date (they like to call it a "guy's night out").

There were only three that could make it a few nights ago, and so the three of them were talking about random stuff that guys talk about, when completely out of the blue, Friend 1 announced that the city we live in is the swinging capital of the United States.

Shocked by this random outburst, The Husband and Friend 2 (who are both married) asked Friend 1 where this information was obtained. He said he had read it in a random article that he couldn't recall.

Of course I immediately Googled it. And try as I might, I couldn't come up with anything. The Husband and I are not interested in swinging, but of course when someone tells us that our area is the 'capital', it's only human nature to wonder the validity of the statement.

The thing that The Husband found odd, was that it was just so random. The Husband is obviously married with a kid on the way, Friend 2 is married with 2 kids, and Friend 1 is getting married in October. The Husband admitted to secretly wondering if this was Friend 1's way of testing the waters.

I think the idea, if there was one, was promptly drowned by The Husband and Friend 2's reaction.

What can I say, The Husband is possessive.

Spunk-less

2012-01-26T09:00:00.000-07:00

Um, yes. This post deals with sperm - or the lack thereof.

My friend's husband has recently gotten a vasectomy. They have 2 children, and are very much done with reproducing.

But since it's been done fairly recently, they haven't been able to test it out yet, plus I don't know how comfortable I would be asking her these questions or how comfortable she would be answering. So I am asking you, dear readers. Because you have the ability to leave comments anonymously on this blog.

Among a few silly question, the main question swirling around my head is: does the sex get less messy? Since the sperm is left out of the equation, is there less fluid? Or is the fluid level the same, just minus little swimmers?

Because honestly, while I really enjoy sex, I do not enjoy the mess of it - jizz dribbling down my leg affects my post coital bliss.

Also, does it taste different? Does the presence or absence of sperm alter the taste?

Did I just gross you out?

I bet there is some sexual freedom that comes from a vasectomy though. You can have sex whenever you feel like it, wherever you feel like it. You don't have to fumble with condoms, you don't have to worry about taking a birth control pill, etc. Although if the mess is the same, you'd just have to carry around some pantiliners with you.

Changes

2012-01-23T09:00:00.000-07:00

When I found out I was pregnant, one of the things that popped into my head were about the bodily changes I would experience.

A lot of the reading material out there says that the first change that happens will be larger breasts. And they all say to enjoy having ample bosoms. There are lines in the books that pretty much read: enjoy your new found breasts and show them off before you have a belly to match. You are led to believe that you will be at least a cup size bigger by the end of the first trimester.

Honestly, this worried me. I am already a C cup, and to advance to a D or even DD cup made me want to bind my boobies.

In reality, entering my second trimester, I am still in the same bra size as before (and even the same pant size). I think The Husband is secretly a little disappointed by my steadfast boobs.

He has commented that my boobs look heavier, are less 'squishy', my nipples appear to be a bit darker and are smoother to the touch.

Obviously The Husband is much better at describing and taking inventory of my boob changes than I am.

While others take belly photos, perhaps I should take boobie photos.

And then there were three

2012-01-18T09:00:00.002-07:00

Oh my little blog, how I have missed you!

For those of you that have been following for a while now, you might have been wondering where in the hell I've run off to. Well, let me tell you:

After nearly 3 years of trying to get knocked up naturally, The Husband and I decided that it was time for a medical intervention.

The months following went a little something like this (there were various blood tests, etc. done in between, but this is the main gist of it):

Month 1: Clomid. Ovulation predictor kits (henceforth known as OPKs). Didn't work.

Month 2: Double dose of Clomid. OPKs. Works! Intrauterine insemination (also known as artificial insemination, but henceforth known as IUI). Didn't work.

Month 3: Clomid. OPKs. Works! The Husband can't provide specimen due various reasons, we're ok with it. hCG shots in the thigh every 3 days after ovulation (only 3 shots total). Didn't work.

Month 4: Clomid. OPKs. Works! IUI. hCG shots. WORKS!!! We're PREGNANT!!!

We're ecstatic, but cautious. Keep mum, but tell our family, because we feel like we'll need support were anything to happen.

From there, we find out that my progesterone levels are low, so I get shots in the bum twice a week and blood work once a week. No big deal. Then the nausea/morning sickness kicks in and the libido goes out the window.

Laying down kept the throw ups away, so I lay in bed most of the day. When it started easing up, I got brave and left the house, only to throw up in my car while driving.. in an empty juice bottle (only empty thing available in the car).

My libido just packed up and left. Didn't even leave a goodbye note. We've never had this little sex since we've been together, but then again, The Husband was afraid to touch me. When we finally did have sex, it was the most gentle sex of my life. The doctor kept telling us we were progressing beautifully, and could have normal sex, but The Husband was cautious. After a few more escapades without any adverse reactions, he's gotten over that.

Here we are now, at 15 weeks. Finally done with the progesterone shots, and feeling a bit like myself again.

I really wanted to blog, but honestly, we weren't having sex and there wasn't anything non-pregnancy related that I could blog about. And I didn't want to hijack this into a pregnancy blog.

The Husband has become rather protective and doting. During our first ultrasound, I was grinning ear to ear, while The Husband had to wipe away tears. Seeing and hearing that heartbeat for the first time - words cannot describe.

Our relationship has found a new dynamic. It's hard to describe, but there is a different type of connection that's there now. I don't know if other couples have felt that change. Maybe it's because we've created this new life together, maybe it's because of our journey getting here, but there is a deeper bond that I wasn't expecting.

Welcoming the new year with a bang

2012-01-04T09:00:00.000-07:00

I have found my most favorite way to start the new year. Forget the kiss, start with some sexy times.

The Husband and I toyed with the idea of going downtown to see the fireworks, having a small gathering of friends, or going to a party, but we ultimately decided to be with just each other.

We made dinner at home, went out for some ice cream, and came back home to settle in for the night. We got in bed just hung out enjoying each other's company. And right around 11:50 I decided to pounce on the The Husband.

There wasn't a lot of foreplay involved, but that wasn't my intention. My intention was to be highly preoccupied at Midnight. And when we glanced at the clock afterward, we had indeed welcomed the new year with a bang.

The sex wasn't rough, it wasn't gentle, but it was perfect. It was us.

So next year, if you feel like having a quiet night in with your lover, I recommend a new year's bang.

Bridal shower

2011-12-08T09:00:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, I totally suck at blogging. I got caught up in the time suck that is life. I'll catch you up on that later!

Anywho, this weekend I will be attending one of The Sister-in-Law's bridal shower. She's getting married in late February, but the wedding will be in Seattle, so her mom and sister will be throwing her a shower here, this weekend, and then she will have another one in Seattle sometime in January.

This is fine and dandy if that's your thing. I'm not big on being the center of attention, so my bridal shower was a small group of people, and more of a gathering than a shower. No cheesy games for this girl.

However, the thing I find odd about this bridal shower, is that it's a lingerie bridal shower. Once again, if this is your thing, that's fine. But I would think that a lingerie bridal shower would be appropriate for a party with girlfriends - not one where your mom's friends are also invited.

My girlfriends and I never had a lingerie shower, just because it's so hard to buy. Clothing choices are very personal; styles are different, sizes could be off, and I don't really want to think about what you'll look like in intimate apparel and what you'll be doing while wearing it.

If anyone other than The Husband bought me lingerie, I'd be a bit weirded out. Ah, even the mere thought of The Mother-in-Law buying me lingerie grosses me out. It's like saying, "Here, wear this to turn on my son so you guys can have sex." Eww.

Tumblr Tuesday

2011-11-15T09:00:00.000-07:00

Veterans Day

2011-11-11T09:00:00.011-07:00

A day of thanks and remembrance for all the men and women who served and are serving today. There are countries where serving is mandatory for men, but we're lucky enough to have men and women who choose this path voluntarily. Thank you.

3 weekends

2011-11-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

This upcoming weekend is the third weekend in a row that we'll be spending with The In-Laws. Well, I guess my in-laws since it's The Husband's family.

Don't get me wrong, we get along just fine, but sometimes, it can be a little much.

Two weekends ago, The Husband and I went over to the Western Slope to visit them because The Sister-in-Law was going into surgery to get her thyroid removed. Last weekend, they came into town because they got tickets to The Lion King. This weekend, they'll be in town because of.. actually, I don't really know. I lost track.

But this weekend will be the kicker of them all because in our 3 bedroom house, we will be fitting 7 people and 2 pets. Obvi, The Husband and I will take up our bedroom, his parents will take the guest room, his sister will take his brother's room (yes, he's still living with us!), and so his two brothers will sleep on the couch. Fun times.

I'm feeling a bit disconnected from The Husband because it seems that we haven't had some decent time to ourselves. I'm longing for a reconnect, but I don't think that'll be possible until next weekend. We lay in bed at the end of the day and tell each other, "I miss you."

At this point, just sex isn't going to cut it. We need a 'relationship day'. One of those days you spend together, doing random things and not talking about work, money, etc. Next weekend can't come fast enough!

Tumblr Tuesday

2011-11-08T09:00:00.000-07:00

Registry

2011-11-07T09:00:00.000-07:00

Have you ever looked up the sex offender registry for your local area?

The Brother-in-Law was telling me about a website that shows you where the offenders live and even their photographs. Since I quite literally live a stone's throw away from an elementary school, I've never thought about looking up offenders in my area.

But with my interest piqued, I went to the website and typed in my zip code. There were about 3 within a five mile radius, and it had a picture of the offenders as well - which kinda weirded me out a little. But if the website is going so far as posting their picture, maybe they should post what the offense was as well.

Because let's face it, there are some sick, sick people out there who you don't want your children to go anywhere near. But on the other hand, what about the stupid minor offenses that shouldn't even be on there?

I'm talking about the drunk college kid that peed on a bush near a playground at 2 in the morning, or the 12 and 13 year old kids having consensual sex with each other (they are both considered offenders since they are offending each other).

Once they are considered an offender, they'll have to register for the rest of their lives, and the stigma attached can be rather brutal.

Hm, what an odd thing for me to think of on a Monday morning.

Couple's massage

2011-11-04T09:00:00.000-06:00

The Husband and I have only experienced one couple's massage. It was during the mini break we took right after our wedding (our honeymoon was a few months later).

I understand that it's supposed to be romantic, and you get to spend time with your spouse, yada, yada, yada.

But honestly, it wasn't all that romantic, and it wasn't that memorable of an experience. It's not like you're going to sit there and have a conversation. We had just had one of the biggest parties of our lives and we were exhausted! We were there to enjoy our massage, not talk!

We still get massages every so often, but they're only booked at the same time. We wave goodbye in the lobby and greet each other completely mellow. Plus, couple's massages are more expensive at most places.

Insomnia

2011-11-03T09:00:00.000-06:00

It's limiting my sex life.

I'm not awake enough in the mornings to have a morning romp, and I'm not interested enough at night because I'm too worried about sleep. The only real time that we can have sex is when The Husband gets home from work.

Which is different, and actually kinda nice. Different from our morning/nighttime ritual.

Normally, The Husband would come home, change into some comfortable clothes and have dinner (yes, we've been known to have dinner in our pj's sometimes). But with this new timeline, I can help The Husband undress, or pounce on him in the middle of his changing.

The Husband has come to enjoy bedtime sex, because it helps him fall asleep, but this evening sex seems to relax him for the rest of the night. Definitely something to consider for after the insomnia.

Waist cincher

2011-11-02T09:00:00.000-06:00

I am a fan of a good bra and panty set while The Husband is a fan of garter belts. So for our anniversary (I know, it was a while ago) I wanted to get something a bit sexy.

Something that could stay on during sex. So I was initially thinking of maybe a corset or bustier with garters that I could wear under a dress. My fitter brought in a bunch of different options, and one of them was a waist cincher with garters. It's like a corset that only goes up to your boobs, but when you wear a bra it gives an illusion of a corset.

But the best part? You can leave the cincher on while you take your bra off, so your boobs are available for other activities.

Genius.

My fitter also informed me that since garters were once functioning, necessary parts of a woman's wardrobe, panties were usually worn over the garters so the ladies could use the restroom without undoing all the garters. Makes sense for sex too.

I think this will be my go to lingerie option from now on. I can have my matching bra and panties, and for special occasions, I can just put on the matching waist cincher too.

Tumblr Tuesday

2011-11-01T09:00:00.001-06:00

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T10:23:00.000-06:00

The Husband and I will be staying home handing out candy to our neighborhood children. And possibly watching some scary movies. Scary movies are the best for cuddling, don't you think?

Have a safe and fun Halloween!

What are you supposed to be?

2011-10-28T09:00:00.000-06:00

Have you ever Google Imaged 'Halloween costumes'? Of course you have.

Why is it that the only options for adult females are slut or someone attending a furry convention.

Why did this pop up? Who tagged this as a Halloween costume that it showed up in my search? Also, notice her happy expression.

Does she belong in a Blind Melon music video or what? At least she looks a little happier than the other girl.

Don't feel bad, because it seems that it's equally bad for men. They can either look like an idiot or a super creepy dude that no one is going to go home with.

This guy won't be getting anyone's number.

Nor will this guy.

Still waiting

2011-10-27T09:00:00.001-06:00

I like to think that I'm a patient person. Cool, calm, and collected. But I am chomping at the bit for Saturday to get here.

You see, The Husband and I went to the doctor a couple Wednesdays ago and had some baby batter introduced to my uterus. And I have to wait till this Saturday to test. Normally I would get to test right about now, but I'm on hCG shots which stay in the system for 7 days and will produce a false positive.

Hence, Saturday.

But since I'm crazy, I'm wondering if I should wait longer. There is always a possibility that I'll get my period within the next couple days, but if I don't should I wait a few more days just to be sure?

The Husband has kept pretty quiet, although he has asked how much bigger my boobs would get when I finally do get knocked up. He asks the important questions!

Tumblr Tuesday

2011-10-25T09:00:00.000-06:00

TGIF

2011-10-21T09:00:00.000-06:00

Happy Friday!

The Husband and I will not be home this weekend, and as far as I'm concerned, we'll be holed up in our hotel room for the duration. Except maybe to emerge for food.

Have a good weekend!

74 kids and counting

2011-10-20T09:00:00.000-06:00

Who else has seen the 'documentary' on the Style Network about a sperm donor who has 74 biological children (with more on the way)?

The way that we was able to connect with them was through a Donor Sibling Registry, where the ladies that used his sperm can register to find out how many other half siblings their kids have. He also registered, and whether or not the families wanted to contact him was up to their discretion.

Honestly, I don't know if I could be with someone with that many children. I understand wanting to help people fulfill their dream, but 74 is a bit extreme. How many times did he donate? I don't see 74 appearing out of one donation. At that point, it doesn't seem like an act with good intentions, but a way to spread your seed with none of the responsibilities.

Or perhaps he was just a chronic masturbator that thought, well, I might as well put it to use.

4 years

2011-10-19T09:00:00.000-06:00

This week, The Husband and I will be celebrating our 4 year anniversary. I know! Our marriage is no longer a toddler, but a preschooler!

We got ourselves a hotel room in downtown Denver for the weekend, and I hope to convince The Husband to stay in bed the majority of the time. You might think that a hotel room 35 minutes away from your own home sounds stupid, but it's actually pretty awesome.

You're not bogged down by household chores, you're not constantly reminded of what needs to be fixed, so you can escape the reality of your house for a couple nights.

And there's something exciting about having sex in a new place. I mean, why do people want to christen every room of the house when they move in? Because you've never boned there before, that's why.

Tumblr Tuesday

2011-10-18T09:00:00.000-06:00

Put your face on

2011-10-17T09:00:00.001-06:00

I am not a girly girl. Nor am I a tomboy. I'm one of the in-betweeners. I love jeans and hoodies with some Chuck Taylors, but I also love skirts and pink and getting my nails done.

So it only makes sense that while I am a fan of makeup and beauty products, I don't overuse them. I do have a daytime and nighttime regimen that I can't start or end my day without doing. My skin is kind of high maintenance, what can I say?

When it comes to makeup, I am a minimalist. I like to look natural; you won't find blues, purples or greens in my makeup bag. In fact, the first time The Husband saw me without makeup, he looked at me and said, "You look kinda tired today. Did you have a long day?"

Now, when we're leaving the house and I run in the bathroom to 'put my face on', The Husband rolls his eyes and says, "You don't even need it!" Sweet, sweet man.

I wonder if some of the girls who use a lot of makeup have some anxiety about being barefaced in front of their lover for the first time.

I do have to say though, going light on the makeup benefits your sheets. You don't have to worry about leaving makeup smudges on the sheets when you're banging it out in bed. You know what I'm talking about.

Teneo Uno

2011-10-14T14:45:00.001-06:00

When Good Vibrations sent me the Teneo Uno, I was super duper excited (it's for kegel exercises to strengthen up your PC muscles). There are so many rave reviews about it at every online store, and who doesn't want a stronger vag?

As soon as I got the package, I ripped it open to inspect my newest toy. They sent me a lime green one, which is pretty cute, and the material is amazingly soft and silky to the touch.

So I tried it. And hated it. I thought it would take some time to get used to, so I tried it a few more times. Still hated it. There really can't be any user error with this because hello, all you have to do is put it in.

I've had the Teneo Uno for quite some time now, and I just can't seem to get along with it. The biggest problem is the cord/band. It's like an unforgiving tampon string. Ugh.

Perhaps I'm overly sensitive about the cord? Because the reviews that other people have left are pretty awesome. But then again, I think most of them are reviewing the Teneo Duo. I thought I'd try out the Uno first since I would be a 'beginner', but maybe I should've opted for the Duo.

Drunken confessions

2011-10-12T09:00:00.000-06:00

The Brother-in-Law went out with a few of his friends last weekend, and when the time came to get home, he realized that he was too drunk to drive. Which I must give him credit for.

So he called me, knowing that I'm a night owl and would most likely be up, to ask if I could please pick him up. The Husband woke up to my phone ringing and when I told him what the call was about, he decided to come with me. He apparently couldn't let his damsel out in the middle of the night alone.

When we picked up The Brother-in-Law, he was definitely inebriated, and he's the type of drunk that talks. A lot.

I was driving, The Husband was in the backseat, and The Brother-in-Law was yammering away in the front seat (The Brother-in-Law had shoved his way into the front seat, and The Husband had conceded because of his drunken state).

There were things I found out about The Brother-in-Law that I never wanted to know. He revealed the number of partners he's bedded, how many one night stands, how many cougars, his preferred position, how he's had anal sex, and the girl who gave great head.

All the while, The Husband and I are giving each other looks through the rear view mirror.

The best part about it is The Brother-in-Law has no recollection (or so he claims). The last thing he remembers is calling me.

The Husband and I pondered if we should tell him of his verbal diarrhea. We decided not to tell him.

Tumblr Tuesday

2011-10-11T09:00:00.000-06:00

So what do you think? A weekly thing perhaps? Or is it too much of a cop-out post?

So good that it hurts

2011-10-10T14:51:00.000-06:00

Saturday was a great day. Because it was preceded by a great morning.

I woke up to The Husband cuddling with me. Not just regular cuddling, but cuddling with a little fondling. I remember thinking, "Oh, it's gonna be one of those mornings. I'm totally okay with this."

Peeps, I don't know what the hell got into The Husband, but, OMG, it was GOOD.

Fingers and tongues were involved, and a hour and a half later we were both sweating and so completely exhausted. Yes, hour and a half. Whew, just thinking about it makes my toes curl.

The teasing, the biting, the never ending foreplay followed by the never ending main event.. I can't explain it properly. It was mind-blowing.

We took a sex induced nap together, and I was reminded of our escapades throughout the day by the soreness of my lady bits. But it was a good hurt. The hurt that reminds you that something went well. Kind of like a day after a workout soreness.

I asked The Husband what had possessed him to go all out, and he said, "It's just been a while since we've been able to do that."

It was definitely appreciated, and he was right, it had been a while. Things have been pretty straightforward lately, so it was time for a re-connect.

Read all about it

2011-10-07T09:00:00.000-06:00

While I went missing from blogger, I decided to do some reading. I love to read, and I felt like it had been a while since I indulged myself in a few good books. So I read some books that were on my 'to read' list, but then I had a friend recommend Bonk: the Curious Coupling of Science and Sex by Mary Roach.

And now, I'm recommending it to you.

The writing is easy to read, and quite funny and witty. Hard to pull off when you're trying to talk about the science of sex.

And the information covered range from a woman who had her clitoris moved, things that have been evacuated from anuses, and surgically adding a third testicle (from a donor).

This book isn't about the basics of sex, i.e., you insert the erect penis into the vagina. But it covers things that have been lost in the annals of science.

The Husband didn't even read the book and knows what was in it because I would look up every 5 minutes to share what I had just read. He actually paused the t.v. because I kept interrupting.

If you can spare the $9.00 on your Kindle, I suggest you do. It's such a fascinating read!

Brace yourself

2011-10-05T09:00:00.000-06:00

I was not one of those genetically gifted people when it came to teeth (like The Husband). My teeth weren't horrendous, but bad enough that I always wanted to get them fixed.

So I got Invisalign a few years ago, and now my teeth are nice and straight. I still wear a retainer every night when I go to bed, and it even prevents me from grinding my teeth.

The retainer has almost become a symbol for us - if I put them in before I get into bed, it usually means no nookie that night, but if I climb into bed without them, game on!

But when I first got the braces I was curious what it would do for oral sex. Invisalign isn't like other braces where you have the metal, but it's a seamless plastic that just encases your teeth; and you're always told to be aware of your teeth when you give a blow job. See where I'm going with this?

So I popped them in one day and went downtown

But there was something that made me watch what I was doing: it seemed like the ridge of the penis was coming dangerously close to the edge of the braces. And the edge of the braces aren't as smooth. That could be a painful experience, right?

And, The Husband said that it didn't feel any different.

The braces left the bedroom that day and never made it back.

Semen exposure

2011-10-04T09:00:00.002-06:00

As you know, the past few months have been spent going to the reproductive endocrinologist to get my body in order.

There's been a lot of tweaking with my meds and accompanying blood work, and we've found the best combination for me - along with a Vitamin D deficiency that I didn't know I had!

Well, I was speaking with my nurse last week when she was telling me how great my numbers looked. I'm somewhat hormonally balanced!! And she was telling me what the doctor had said and that with everything seemingly in order, the only thing that I seemed to be lacking was semen exposure.

There are times in your life when things are being said with complete seriousness, and all you want to do is giggle like a perverted little girl. This was one of those times. I fought the urge to say, "That's what she said!"

I called The Husband and told him, "I need more exposure to your semen." The Husband said, "You make it sound like you need to bathe in it or something." Haha.

Call me immature, but if you can't find the hilarity in the small things, you're in for a long and boring life.

Cutting the cheese

2011-10-03T09:00:00.001-06:00

Yup. Cutting the cheese.

It's a biological function that everyone has. It's perfectly normal. However, it is deemed unacceptable to do it in public, and I think that has been ingrained in me very deeply.

You see, The Husband is fine with doing this in front of me. So are his brothers for some unknown reason. I, however, have never been able to toot in front of him.

Nine, yes, NINE years into our relationship, and I still can't bring myself to fart in front of him.

Is it because I feel like it will ruin my femininity? I don't think so; I don't think The Husband will deem me grotesque because of a toot or two.

Is it because I'm still not truly comfortable around The Husband? I don't think this is true either; he's seen me naked in all sorts of compromising positions, held my hair up while I heaved my guts out, and has seen me being a general mess.

How does this work for other couples? Did you just let it go one day, then figured why not?

Animalistic sex

2011-09-30T09:00:00.001-06:00

It's been around for a quite a while now, but I've never mentioned it on the blog before. It airs once in a while on the Sundance Channel, rather unexpectedly, and leaves me cracking up and learning something new.

What am I talking about? Green Porno! Watch it, you won't be disappointed.

The fact that she dresses up like the animals are awesome, and the fact that she humps an inanimate object makes this series super awesome.

There are a ton more, so look 'em up!

Touch your nose

2011-09-27T09:00:00.002-06:00

Remember the myths about shoe size reflecting penis size, and something about the width of a thumb correlating to the girth of a penis? Well, I have no idea how accurate they are, but I have another one to add!
I was hanging out with The Gay Best Friend and we were talking about these myths, and he asked, "What about the nose one?"

"Uh, what nose one?"

"The tip of the nose gives you an idea of what the head of the penis looks like."

So when I got home, I kept looking at The Husband's nose, that he eventually asked me what the hell I was looking at. With only one penis that I'm intimately involved with, I can't tell if this holds up or not.

I realize that this is just another penis related myth, but you can't tell me that you're not looking at noses now.

Fireworks

2011-09-23T09:00:00.001-06:00

Last Friday, The Husband and I along with some friend and family went to a Rockies game. It also happened to be Fan Appreciation night, and the game was followed by fireworks.

It was quite possibly one of the best fireworks shows I've ever seen. Amazing.

But then, while gazing at the incredible fireworks, I suddenly remembered the scene from Hitchcock's "To Catch a Thief". The sexual innuendo implied by the fireworks worked so well. And once you have that correlation in mind, fireworks will always equate to great, explosive sex.

So here is the scene if you've never seen the movie before.

You'll never look at fireworks the same way.

Remember me?

2011-09-22T09:00:00.001-06:00

It feels like it's been a really long time since I've been on blogger. So let me fill you in on what's been going on: absolutely nothing.

The Husband and I are trying to get pregnant, and The Husband has even learned how to give me shots of hCG.

I was worried that our sex life would suffer because of the meds, and the timing of insemination, but gladly, our sex life is still healthy. Now that we've gotten into a schedule, and know when we'll do the insemination, we're free to enjoy ourselves the other times of the month.

Sex is such an important part of a relationship, that I wanted to make sure that ours stayed in tact. When dealing with infertility, it's so easy to forget about the connection that you share when you're intimate. You can start treating your husband like a stud horse, requiring him to work on demand, and taking the fun and spontaneity out of sex.

And really, what's the point of boring sex?

Shh!

2011-09-08T09:00:00.000-06:00

As you might or might not remember, The Brother-in-Law is living with us for the time being. And as you might or might not remember, The Husband and I are trying for a baby.

When we get close to my ovulation date, we have to be conservative about when we have sex because we need to make sure he has enough swimmers for the insemination. They usually prefer that you abstain for a couple days.

Of course I get horny around ovulation.

Of course I take care of myself.

But there was this one morning when I was mid-moan that I realized there was someone else in the house. I smothered my face in a pillow, but I was still wondering if The Brother-in-Law had heard anything.

If he did hear anything, he's been a perfect gentleman about it. But just thinking about it makes me mortified.

Can you pass the maple syrup?

2011-08-29T11:33:00.000-06:00

I've been neglecting my little blog, and I feel like a slacker because of it.

The Husband is writing what is essentially his thesis and has hijacked the computer which only leaves me with our degenerate netbook or phone. Which does not motivate me to blog about anything!

But on top of that, since The Husband has been busy with work and school, I've been left watching a lot of tv.

Which brings me to mention the tv show How I Met Your Mother. Ever seen it? You should if you haven't. Well, in one of the episodes they mention a sex act called the 'Old King Clancy'. And being the curious housewife that I am, I looked it up.

I advise that you go now and look it up too. And if you're anything like me, you'll text it to your spouse and all of your friends.

Mowing the lawn

2011-08-23T09:00:00.001-06:00

This seems to be a recurring topic that I always seem to go back to, but there's always something going on in our household that involves pubes. I don't know if we're freakishly aware of our pubes or if we're normal.

I had advised The Husband to trim himself because he was starting to sport a jungle down there, so he took my advice. I didn't witness the actual trimming, but I knew it had been done because he'd informed me of it (quite proudly too).

Fast forward to later in the day, and I'm petting our black cat when I see a blond hair in her fur. I had just found a pube in my cat's fur. A PUBE IN MY CAT'S FUR!!!

I asked The Husband what he had done with his clippings and he told me that he threw them away. So I went upstairs to find that the cat had decided that the hair was curious enough to get out of the wastebasket to check out. I had tufts of pubes on my bathroom floor.

Our cat is such a weirdo.

Do me a favor

2011-08-22T09:00:00.000-06:00

After finally convincing The Husband that sexual activity was not only safe but encouraged, we finally bonked.

But when you haven't had sex in a while (about a week), the floodgates open, and you want to hump all the time. Within the span of a couple days, we got naked 4 times. And this was during the work week, when the only time we had was early in the morn or after work.

When the weekend rolled around, I thought The Husband was a bit sexed out, but then he did something hilarious.

We were lying in bed watching t.v., when The Husband rolled over and asked, "Will you do me a favor?" This usually means that he wants his back scratched or his back rubbed, so feeling generous, I said, "Sure, what do you want?"

With a smirk on his face he says, "Will you give me a blow job?"

That's gotta be the best line ever! People usually agree to a favor before they even know what it is!

After giving The Husband and his peen props for being so ridiculous, I told him that I'm going to use that line on him one of these days.

Don't be scared

2011-08-16T10:52:00.001-06:00

The Husband is kinda scared to have sex with me at the moment. After the insemination, the nurse instructed me not to do any bouncy activities for a couple days. However we could have sex whenever we wanted.

Since the insemination, we've only had sex once because as The Husband puts it, "We don't want to jostle or dislodge anything." He makes his penis sound like a bouncy castle.

I did bleed a bit after the procedure so that put a damper on things for a day, but its been almost a week, and I have an itch that needs to be scratched!

Homebody

2011-08-15T09:00:00.000-06:00

While I definitely look forward to date nights, nowadays I look forward to an evening in with just the two of us.

Since The Brother-in-Law has been living with us, alone time has become something of a rarity, and quite cherished. So when he went away for the weekend, The Husband and I took full advantage.

We channeled our college years and went out to pick up some pop, junk food, pizza and a movie before settling ourselves on the couch. We had a relaxing night in, and honestly, it was one of the best nights we've had in a while. Plus we bonked on the couch and had to start the movie over.

I never realized how much privacy we'd lose with The Brother-in-Law moving in, but I'm go grateful that he has a life and leaves the house once in a while.

Hands off

2011-08-12T10:56:00.000-06:00

For some reason, I find this commercial hilarious, and every time I laugh at it, The Husband calls me a dork. Maybe I'm not the only one that finds it funny?

Sexless babymaking

2011-08-11T09:00:00.001-06:00

Yesterday was a big day for The Husband and myself. It was our first IUI or Intra-uterine Insemination.

The Husband had to provide his "specimen" an hour before the procedure so they could wash and prepare it. He kindly requested that I join him to collect his specimen, which I obliged.

It's always interesting to walk into a doctor's office and find a stash of porn in the collection room. And it's always interesting to see what kind of porn they offer. The office we went to when we first got his jizz tested had a couple DVDs and some old Playboys, but the endocrinologists office just had Penthouse magazines.

The Husband was happy that I accompanied him because the way he sees it, he doesn't know how many men before him have used the doctor's office porn.

But now I have a 2 week wait before I can find out if I've been knocked up or not

Your place or mine

2011-08-10T09:00:00.000-06:00

The Husband has a college friend that he's still close with, and whenever he goes out of town he asks us to watch his house. We only have to drop by a couple times to make sure everything is fine.

Last week, we were over at his house to check on things, and out of nowhere The Husband asks, "Wanna do it on the kitchen table?"

Woah, what?! The Husband is actually quite proper when it comes to sex; we've never even done it on our kitchen table. So when he asks a question like that it shocks me into silence rather than getting me excited. He took my silence as a no.

On the way home, he asked if I really didn't like his proposition and I told him that A) I was really shocked at his suggestion and B) it seems so disrespectful to do it on someone's table.

I think I would've been more receptive if it was the couch or the floor. The Husband said that he'd keep that in mind.

I wanna know, who's done it at someone else's home while they weren't there?

Be still my heart

2011-08-09T09:00:00.000-06:00

All last week I was a volunteer bartender. And I am beat. It was for a good cause, so it's a good kind of tired. The Husband (being a board member) was on other duties, so The Brother-in-Law and I ran the bar.

I didn't see The Husband a whole lot, but every once in a while he'd come up and get a drink, or he'd shoot me a quick glance across the bar.

Those quick glances would make my heart pitter patter with the kind of dorkiness that only comes from early relationships. Whenever we've volunteered for anything, we've always been on the same duty, so this was uncharted territory for us. It was odd to see The Husband walking around on his own, working the room.

But seeing him in his khakis and button up, with his sleeves rolled up made me want to lick him.

Perhaps it was the fact that we were operating separately that made it fun and different. We got to see each other in a different light, and we were reminded that we weren't always a unit. We were independent beings that chose to become a unit. Which is really quite special if you think about it.

And since it gave us different things to talk about at the end of the night, the drive home almost felt like a mini date.

Oh, and yes, I did get to lick him.

Personal growth

2011-08-01T09:00:00.000-06:00

The Husband and I have gotten to the point where we are quite comfortable being naked in front of each other. We change in front of each other without a thought. But there was a time when the only time we were naked was during sex.

When you first start a physical relationship, the only time you really see your partner naked is when they're already aroused. So you have no idea what they look like unaroused. Particularly the penis.

The first time I saw The Husband's flaccid penis, I was shocked! If I had seen it before I saw him aroused, I would've thought that he wasn't packing a whole lot. It is the most compact little package. It just boggles my mind that it can grow so exponentially. It's like a magic trick!

I am still mesmerized when I can watch his peen get hard. It gets longer and thicker and I'm forever wondering where the extra skin and girth come from. The mysteries of the penis are never ending.

Hair cut

2011-07-29T09:00:00.000-06:00

I get a Brazilian bikini wax about every 5 weeks or so, and the place that I go to is very, very thorough. They go as far as plucking with tweezers if they didn't get the smallest hair.

They usually ask what shape I want, and I normally get a triangle or a strip. It seems the most manicured, but the last time I went, I decided to go bare. I honestly can't remember the last time I got rid of all the hair down there..

As I was getting home, I was wondering how The Husband would react to my bareness. He's never really said much about my choice of 'hairstyle' before. He's only expressed that he likes that I get waxed.

So when we were getting down and dirty, I told The Husband that I had just gotten waxed and had gotten a different shape this time. The Husband seemed intrigued, and when I showed him, I was disappointed in the lack of reaction.

The only reaction I got was, "Oh, that's different." Which I reacted with a shrill, "You don't like it?!" The Husband reassured me that he liked it, but that he didn't really care what shape the hair was in. He told me that he liked me getting waxed because of the smoothness of other parts; not the shape of the bush. Which is the exact same reason that I get waxed.

I wasn't able to harp on it any longer because The Husband smothered me with kisses (everywhere), and I was content with the fact that The Husband preferred me. Just me. Not triangle bush me, not me wearing a skirt, not me with the long hair, but just me. All of me.

Who says it first

2011-07-28T09:00:00.002-06:00

I recently read a little tidbit that claims that in 2/3 of heterosexual relationships, men say 'I love you' first.

At first I thought it couldn't be true, but the more I thought about it, the more it seemed feasible. Women have constantly been told that they're too emotional and that telling someone you love them will scare them away faster than an outbreak of herpes.

So of course women are clamming up and waiting for the man to confirm their feelings first. And, being on the receiving end of the first 'I love you' gives you the upper hand. You hold the cards for a brief moment, and you realize that you can make or break the relationship depending on your reaction. It also gives the man the chance to be the emotionally vulnerable one.

The Husband was the first to say it. I was leaving his apartment when he said, "I'll see you later. I love you, bye." It had just slipped out, and he obviously didn't mean to say it, so my shocked self asked if he meant to say it. He said, "I didn't plan on saying that tonight. But I don't want to take it back."

I wasn't ready for such an emotional connection, so I gave him a kiss and left. The Husband thought that he'd scared me away. Silly boy. I admit that it took me awhile to reciprocate the words, but seeing him be confident in his emotions and being unapologetic about it made me respect him more. His confidence convinced me to be confident.

Tell me the truth

2011-07-27T09:00:00.003-06:00

I will be starting my second round of Clomid today. Since it didn't do diddly squat last time, they doubled my dosage this time around.

I thought I didn't do so bad last time, and the only side effects that I noticed was my tendency to get a little teary eyed, and some dizziness. When I expressed my perceived side effects to The Husband, he looked at me and said, "I didn't want to say anything till now, but you were kinda grumpy and got upset easily."

I didn't know whether to laugh at my obliviousness or to apologize for my unknown behavior. When I asked The Husband if it was unbearable, he told me that there were a couple times that I was a tad irrational, but nothing he couldn't handle.

I thanked The Husband for putting up with me and he responded with, "The only reason I noticed it is because you're usually not like that. The mood swings you went through is probably normal for other girls. Probably another Tuesday for them."

And the fact that The Husband downplayed my mood swings and showed his support in his own way made me love him that much more.

Yes, he got laid that day. Twice.

Willpower

2011-07-26T09:00:00.000-06:00

The Husband and I are the least kinkiest people out there. But every once in a while we like to spice it up, and I felt like blindfolding The Husband.

I didn't have the patience to go find a suitable blindfold, so I just put a pillow on the top half of his face (we are most definitely not into any type of breath play). I told him not to move the pillow, and then had my way with him.

It was kinda fun watching The Husband anticipate what I would do next; he didn't know if I'd be sucking, licking, or kissing and where.

And I think it took all his willpower to not move the pillow. I'm thinking that I should invest in a blindfold of some sort to keep in the nightstand.

A glimpse into the future

2011-07-25T09:00:00.001-06:00

The Husband and I were grocery shopping together, and while we were passing through the book aisle we caught a glimpse of an older couple.

The elderly gentleman was standing next to the cart with his hands in his pockets while his lady was trying to decide between two books. Romance novels to be exact.

The Husband whispered to me, "That's gonna be us isn't it?" I couldn't help giggling.

But how awesome would it be to be that couple later on? They had to be in their 70's, and if she's still reading romance novels and they still have some fun between the sheets, how great is that?

Sorry, those are fake

2011-07-22T09:00:00.003-06:00

Not the boobs silly, but the nipples!

I've heard of these a long, long time ago, but then got reminded again by one of the many reruns of Sex and the City: nipple enhancers/fake nipples.

You're supposed to wear them on your boob to make it look like your nipples are constantly erect. And the assumption is that it will attract more attention. But will it attract the good kind or the bad kind?

If you were hanging out with a lady, and her nips were always hard, wouldn't you start wondering if they were ok? Because a constantly hard nipple has to start hurting at some point, wouldn't it?

One of the sites that I stumbled upon gave you a choice between small, medium, large, and extra large nipples. Apparently, nipples aren't one size fits all.

Girl code

2011-07-21T09:00:00.000-06:00

On the first and third Tuesday of every month, The Husband does not come home until very late. He is a board member for a charitable organization that I've mention before here, and they hold their meetings on those days.

Well, this last Tuesday, The Brother-in-Law and I decided that instead of being bored at home, that we should go catch a movie and maybe grab a beer afterwards. We called it Brother-in-Law and Sister-in-Law bonding time.

We saw Horrible Bosses, which was ok - not as funny as we thought it'd be, and headed to a local watering hole. When we walked into the bar and was heading to a table, there were two cougars at a table we were passing by. One of the ladies, gave him a glance like you do when someone walks by, and then she did a double take!

Which I found kind of hilarious, because here was a lady clearly past 40, checking out my 26 year old Brother-in-Law. So I kindly let him know about it, and we laughed it off. But the cougar kept looking at him and was obviously trying to establish a connection with him. There was no subtlety to her actions, and I actually found her to be rather trashy. The squeezing of the boobs, trying to make eye contact while sucking down her drink, ew.

And it totally irked me. He was obviously there with someone, and she had no idea what our situation was and she was clearly trying to make a play for him. What if I wasn't his s-i-l, but his date/girlfriend/wife/etc.? Shouldn't there be some kind of girl code to try not to snag a man if he is already with someone?

The thing is, this isn't the first time it's happened! We've gone to a burger joint before where he ordered a beer with dinner, and instead of just bringing his glass and beer and leaving it at the table like she did for all the other patrons, she said, "Here let me pour it for you." Then she proceeded to ask him, "Do you want a little head with, I mean, on the beer?" Cue shock and awe. The Brother-in-Law and I looked at each other with shocked faces, and then looked back at her, and she asks, "Do you like watching?", while she is pouring the beer!!! I can't make this shit up!!

Seriously, guys have a bro code, maybe we ladies should come up with a ho code. It could go something like this: Don't be a ho. Simple.

But that said, if there was a cute girl that was trying to subtly check out The Brother-in-Law, I would totally help her out!

Three's company

2011-07-20T09:00:00.000-06:00

The Husband and I have acquired a squatter. His youngest brother has moved in with us for the time being.

The Brother-in-Law has not been able to find a stable job since he graduated college, and was in a state of homelessness when we offered a helping hand. His current job is commission based and while he is making money, he isn't making enough to fully support himself.

However, as a co-habitant he's not too bad (so far). He is relatively clean, helps pick up around the house and is very respectful of our privacy. But I still feel a little weird having sex while knowing he's across the hall from us.

This is only supposed to last a couple months, but I'm just not used to censoring my behavior quite yet. So to the parents out there with older children, do you have any advice? Do we just close the door and throw caution to the wind, or do we tone down our headboard bumping?

Pet peeve

2011-07-19T09:00:00.000-06:00

When you first start living with someone, there are things that start ticking you off. You find them annoying, and years later, it will still be annoying - like taking your socks off and leaving them throughout the house like little unwanted presents.

But then there are things that annoy you at first, but then you find them kind of cute or endearing. I think this has happened to The Husband.

I'm a bit zealous about my underoos. Well, my brassieres in particular. I wash them after every wear on delicate and put them on hangers to dry. I usually hang them on the trim above the door to our walk-in closet.

It used to bug the crap out of The Husband because he'd always have to duck to get into the closet. He'd always ask, "Can't you hang these somewhere else?"

Now, he's realized that he gets full knowledge of my delicates, especially since I always get matching panties. When I get a new bra and he sees it dangling from the hanger, he gets excited if he likes what he sees. He innocently asks, "Oh, is that new? Did you get matching panties?"

He even makes suggestions like, "You should wear that one tonight."

Apparently, lace can make annoyances disappear.

Phone sex

2011-07-18T09:00:00.001-06:00

Have you ever had sex with your partner while they were on the phone?

I've given The Husband a beej when he's been on the phone, and I've also jumped his bones while he was on the phone.

I wanted to see if he could handle it. And he could.

It was actually really fun because he would try to concentrate on the phone conversation while I was on top of him getting my kicks. And as soon as he could get off the phone, the sex became very enthusiastic.

Another bonus was that he was forced to last longer. Which means that I can definitely satisfy myself while he's on the phone.

Can the thought of someone having sex while you're on the phone with them be a little creepy? Sure. But doesn't it sound a bit fun and naughty to do it yourself?

Attention Denverites

2011-07-15T09:00:00.000-06:00

I don't think there are very many Denverites that peruse my blog, but if you or someone you know lives in Denver, or if you'll be visiting in September and you like beer, than this is for you!

Support breast cancer awareness and drink beer? Win! Go here to find out more.

Lightning

2011-07-14T09:00:00.000-06:00

We've been having some serious thunderstorms rolling through Denver lately, and last night was one of the worst storms we've had in a long time.

But without knowing what was coming, The Husband and I initiated some couple time. And it was one of the rare times that we didn't have any light source turned on. No lamps, or glow from the t.v. or any other light.

All we could hear was each other and the rumbling of the thunder, and when we started getting into the swing of things, there were huge flashes of lightning.

Last night quite possibly made it into the top 10. Without light, you really start focusing on the sensations, but you still get a visual every once in a while with the lightning, and it was amazing.

I might've become like Pavlov's dog. Every time there's a huge storm, I might get the urge to merge.

Like a teenage boy

2011-07-13T10:51:00.000-06:00

I am constantly horny. There is no rhyme or reason to this. The only excuse that I can think of is that perhaps my period is close.

Over the weekend, The Husband and I had sex every day, and the last time we had sex was just a couple days ago, but I am ready to go!

Is it sad that The Husband is having a hard time keeping up with me? Maybe it's true that a woman's sexual peak is around her late 20's/early 30's. I'm looking 29 in the face right now - I'll get there in a few more months.

I was wanting to get down and dirty last night, but so many random things kept happening (from phone calls to the cat and dog tearing up the house). When we both finally got into bed exhausted, The Husband looked at me and said, "Tomorrow, I promise."

Good thing The Husband keeps his promises.

Just a poke

2011-07-12T09:00:00.000-06:00

For a couple weeks my arms made me look like a heroin addict. It was terrible.

Apparently, my veins are either hard to find or they like to hide. I had to have blood drawn before and after I took Clomid. Which should only have resulted in two pokes. However, I had seven. Seven!

The blood draw before Clomid took three pokes, and they were the type of pokes where they withdraw the needle halfway, adjust the angle, and stick it back in with hopes of hitting the vein. Which causes huge bruises.

The blood draw after Clomid took four pokes. By the fourth poke they were starting to feel really bad and decided to draw from my hand. Ouch.

I had bruises on both arms, and one really big one on the back of my hand. The Husband took pity on me and kissed all of them.

The totally lame part is, the Clomid didn't work so the plan is to double the dosage for my next cycle.

Sucker punch

2011-07-11T09:00:00.000-06:00

The Husband's penis is not a ginormous penis, but it does have some length to it. So in certain positions he can't go full hilt because he jabs me and it hurts. We've jokingly referred to it as punching my cervix.

Well, the other day, when we were enjoying some afternoon sex, he accidentally went a bit too deep and I blurted out, "Ow!". I didn't mean to blurt it out because I didn't want him to feel bad, and because I didn't want him to stop.

But he did stop, and he looked down at me and asked, "Did I just punch you in the cervix?"

I couldn't help it, and busted out laughing. Like uncontrollable, gasping for air type laughter. But when I looked up at The Husband, he was not laughing with me.

He looked like he was concentrating, and when I asked him, "What?", he responded, "You have to stop laughing, because you keep clenching, and it's just not gonna last."

Which made me laugh even harder, and no, it did not last. But it was one of the most memorable trysts we've ever had.

Jam packed

2011-07-01T10:19:00.000-06:00

This has to be one of the most dreaded weekends of my life.

We are still dealing with our grief, which is also stirring up memories of my grandmother for me, and we are expecting a houseful of guests. The In-laws are descending upon us. The Husband's parents, sister and two brothers.

On top of it, since I took Clomid, I'm expecting to ovulate sometime this weekend. Fabulous.

Everything seems to hit all at once, and at the most inopportune times.

I'm feeling a bit emotionally fried, and I am DREADING this weekend. I am a bit miffed that my in-law's deemed their trip so important that they have to come during this emotionally charged time. And they'll be here from today till Tuesday morning, effectively taking away any downtime that we could have had.

When we expressed our hesitance, we were bombarded with a guilt trip of how his sick sister wanted to come over. I feel like we were backed into a corner with no way out.

Help me be positive.

A farewell

2011-06-30T09:04:00.000-06:00

The Husband and I have lost a dear friend. He had a massive heart attack and passed last night; he wasn't even sixty.

You forget how delicate life is sometimes. We take our lives for granted and we take each other for granted.

When saying goodbye at the end of a party or when seeing someone off to work, take out a small insurance policy by saying a warm goodbye. It doesn't have to be a choking embrace with a whispered 'I love you'. But make it warm and genuine.

When I was in high school, I used to run out of the house yelling a 'bye' over my shoulder. But I went over to my friend's house, every time they said goodbye, it was done with a hug and an 'I love you'. It was touching and heartwarming, and it was the kind of goodbye that would leave no regrets.

The Husband and I always say goodbye with a kiss and 'I love you'. I might have regrets in my lifetime, but I hope none of them are from an improper goodbye.

No time

2011-06-29T10:09:00.000-06:00

I had to take my kitty to the vet this morning to get her little tooth pulled, so I didn't get a chance to put a post together.

Go check out my Tumblr if you haven't yet. Link is to the right!

It puts the lotion on its skin

2011-06-28T09:00:00.000-06:00

Remember how I told you The Husband and I got sunburned in Florida?

Last week, we both started peeling (I wasn't peeling as much because I had taken precautions with various lotions and potions). And peeling skin is oh, so gross. It does nothing for the libido.

You see, when The Husband and I were in the mood last week and he took his shirt off, I yelled at him to put it back on. My husband was molting, and I was just about to have sex with a molting man.

So I made his keep his shirt on, and sex when your partner has a shirt on is quite interesting. It's almost like keeping on socks: kinda dorky (thigh highs are not considered socks).

There seems to be a level of intimacy and closeness that's missing when you're not naked. A white undershirt is different than lingerie - lingerie is for the purposes of enticement, while a white shirt just says jammies.

And you feel like you're on equal footing when you're both naked and vulnerable.

Thank goodness that The Husband has stopped peeling, so I can actually touch his shoulders during sex again!

Avert your eyes

2011-06-27T09:00:00.004-06:00

Yesterday on Twitter, I tweeted that The Brother-in-Law walked in on me changing. Why I keep having these awkward moments, I'll never know.

I was getting dressed for the day, and was talking to The Husband about random crap. I was standing in the middle of the room in a skirt and bra talking when The Brother-in-Law just opens the door while saying something to The Husband.

The scene that ensued went something like this:

The Husband yells out, "DUDE!"
The Brother-in-Law slams the door and yells out, "Oh my God! Sorry!"
And I let out a yelp and run into the bathroom.

All simultaneously.

The Husband proceeded to yell at his brother about the meaning of a closed door, and The Brother-in-Law's only defense was that he heard us talking so he thought it was safe to come in.

The stupid thing is, he saw just as much as he would've if I were in a bathing suit. I think it's the lack of mental prerparation that you have; when you're in a bathing suit, you're prepared to show more skin, as well as prepared to see more skin.

At the end of the day we laughed it off, but I think we all started the day off a little mortified.

Shake it baby

2011-06-24T09:00:00.000-06:00

My Tumblr favorite for the moment.

Happy Friday everybody!

Do you make love?

2011-06-23T09:00:00.002-06:00

Do you call it making love?

The Husband and I have never uttered a sentence with the words 'make love' when referring to sex. We find it irritating and not at all accurate.

And are you really making love? Do you bake it in your vagina? Most people are avoiding making anything when they have sex anyway.

The Husband and I prefer to be a bit more straightforward. Simple "I want you", "I want you inside me", or "You're wearing too much clothes" are preferred to "Make love to me".

"Did we do it a couple nights ago?" is asked instead of "Did we make love?" (We keep track for baby making purposes - we have a pocket calendar that we record things in. Who says romance is dead?).

Plus, love is not made. It makes a sneak attack and settles in your heart. You didn't make it, it found it's way to you.

Nervous

2011-06-22T09:00:00.000-06:00

Later today, I have an appointment at the Reproductive Endocrinologist's office.

I'm going in for a blood draw and a baseline ultrasound and I'll be starting Clomid tomorrow. And I feel a little nervous and scared.

There are a slew of questions running around in my head like, what if the Clomid doesn't work, what if it does, what if we get pregnant, what if we don't... just on and on. And will the Clomid make me a walking mood swing.

I hate not feeling in control of myself. I don't like to get overly emotional, and I like to think of myself as a pretty chill person most of the time. Even The Husband has admitted that I'm surprisingly low maintenance.

Although he could just be saying that to get in my pants.

So if my posts start taking on a dramatic tone, I apologize.

Tumbling around

2011-06-21T09:00:00.001-06:00

So I created myself a Tumblr page.

I guess it's a bit more explicit than the blog, only because it's visual. Reading about oral sex vs. seeing oral sex are quite different.

I haven't decided if I will keep it relatively tame, or if it will be more X rated.

Pay a visit if you're so inclined. http://housewifeblogger.tumblr.com/

Recurring

2011-06-20T09:44:00.000-06:00

I don't know if you can categorize a dream as a recurring one if you've only had it twice.

Nevertheless, I've had the same sex dream twice. Both times, I wake up annoyed and look over at The Husband who is fast asleep, wondering if I should wake him up or not.

I only remember the very last scene of the dream: The Husband and I are in bed, and he is giving me oral attention. I almost get there - see the light at the end of the orgasm tunnel, and then I wake up.

When I told The Husband about my dreams, the only response he could muster was, "I like that I'm in your sex dreams."

The correct response would've been, "Wake me up if it happens again."

Papa's Day

2011-06-17T09:00:00.001-06:00

I hope all of you have a good Father's Day.

I plan on visiting my dad, and asking him to tell a story. Specifically, the story of when I was born. How it felt to become a parent; the sheer and utter terror that must've come with it, knowing that you were responsible for a live, squirming, little being.

If you don't have a dad to call or visit, call or visit someone that you love!

Grooming

2011-06-16T09:00:00.000-06:00

Since I'm still on Florida time, I got up earlier than normal. And with nothing to do, I observed The Husband's morning routine.

He went about his business showering, brushing his teeth, and shaving, when he realized that I was watching him from our bed. He just smiled at me at went on with his grooming.

But I saw something this morning, that I've never really paid attention to before but I found really sexy. The Husband, in just his boxers, shaving. The shaving cream on his face, and him meticulously and carefully going around his jaw and chin.

Why did I find that so sexy? Is it because it's such a masculine act?

I don't think men find women shaving their legs all that hot, or do they?

Burnt

2011-06-15T09:00:00.000-06:00

The Husband and I were the palest people in the state of Florida while we were there. We might have blinded some people with our paleness.

So we were religious with our sunscreen. But even with the regular applications we were getting sun kissed on our shoulders and chests. The day before we left, we were low on sunscreen, and did the best we could, but it was not enough.

Our shoulders were burned and since it takes a couple hours for a sunburn to fully rear it's ugly head, we didn't think we were that bad.

After we got back from lunch and relaxed on the bed a little, we thought we would get a little nookie in. But when we tried raising our arms over our heads, both of us were wincing in pain.

It was a bit comical if you think about it, because we were taking inventory of each others burns but was still in the mood, but me being on top was rubbing his shoulders, and him being on top was rubbing mine, and him being behind made me scrunch up my shoulders, and it just became a failed attempt.

The Husband couldn't cum because he kept asking if I was ok, or apologizing if it seemed like I was wincing. The awesome part is, neither of us were too broken up by it because we were preoccupied with the pain.

We've been nursing each other since then, which is also nice.

Vacation

2011-06-14T09:00:00.000-06:00

Florida was awesome - Casey Key specifically. The heat wasn't unbearable (yet), and the Gulf of Mexico was as calm as could be during the morning hours.

We swam everyday for about 2 hours, before heading out for the day.

And we had sex like honeymooners. Twice a day, except for the last day because we were sunburned.

The first day of sex was good. It was more of a reconnecting sex since we hadn't been able to be with each other for almost 2 weeks.

The second day was when we got a bit more exuberant, but then we lost a bit of our rhythm when The Husband got off the bed to stand behind me. Our position was off! I tried spreading my legs wider, closer together, angling my bum, then just took my legs off the bed and laid on my tummy.

We had gotten so used to the height of our bed, that we didn't even think of adjusting for the height of the hotel bed. It was only a few inch difference, but for hitting the right spot, it made all the difference in the world. Who knew it would matter so much?!

Once we got it figured out and adjusted accordingly, we were fine for the rest our romps, and even enjoyed the extra height for other positions.

It was a good vacation.

Last day

2011-06-13T09:00:00.000-06:00

Right now, I should be enjoying my last day in Florida. I hope you've enjoyed the pre-scheduled posts since Thursday.

I know! I am the bomb.dot.com.

I'll be back in Denver tonight, hopefully with a healthy glow - from sun and sex.

I'll see you tomorrow!

NSFW

2011-06-10T09:00:00.000-06:00

So many body parts flying around the internets!

Since I don't have an adult content disclaimer on my blog, I'll just give you the links. All from one website. What can I say, I like things efficient.

Kloe Kardashian nip slip

Blake Lively nudie pics (supposed)

Lady Gaga boobage

Past life

2011-06-09T09:00:00.002-06:00

I had a slutty roommate in college. She was the good girl gone bad.

When I first met her, she was a naive, fresh faced girl. So when we first decided to live together, I thought things would be fine. She would come out of her shell a little bit, and we would be the best of roommates.

Her first act of 'defiance' was a belly button piercing. Then a nose piercing (no biggie to others, but to her, HUGE), losing her virginity to a guy after a month, going to raves, start smoking, trying X, dating a drug dealer, trying a bevy of other drugs, and sleeping with 5 guys in 2 months. This all happened within a year and a half.

There was a point when she was worried she had HPV. In her mouth.

And now she's getting married.

Do you ever wonder how much spouses know about each other? Do you tell them your entire sordid past, or leave the past in the past?

The Husband and I don't have much of a history, and we've shared our past with each other. To be honest, I think I would've viewed The Husband differently if he told me he had an astronomical number of partners.

Concerns would have included, "How clean is he really?" to "Will he compare me to all those before me?" and "If he's so into variety, will he tire of me eventually?". Because if someone has an astounding number of partners, it doesn't really point to commitment.

Spoiled brat

2011-06-08T09:00:00.001-06:00

The Husband and I live in a county that consistently makes it into the top 10 'riches counties in the country'.

You might think, well you must live in a nice neighborhood. And we do, but you don't think of all the little spoiled brats in the neighborhood do you?

Since school is out and the kids are restless, I expect them to get into mischief here and there, I remember my teenage years after all.

A couple weekends ago, The Husband and I were having and nice evening in when they ding dong ditched us the first time. Fine, no big deal. But at 11:30, when The Husband and I were feeling amorous, they did it again. We ended up distracted and just watched t.v., because it was one of those nights when you aren't really horny, but you're not gonna pass up sex.

And then..

It happened again around 1:00 AM. We got fed up and went outside, only to see that our little cul-de-sac was ding dong ditched and t.p.'d. The neighbors were congregated, and we were all flabbergasted because the only kids in our cul-de-sac are toddlers, so there are no school aged children that anyone would have a little rivalry with.

So the neighbors of the cul-de-sac are outside at 1:00 in the morning, in their jammies ready to punch some (most likely) middle schoolers.

It definitely killed our mood, and we went to bed sans nookie. Those damn meddling kids.

Fresh eggs

2011-06-07T09:00:00.000-06:00

I think I might be ovulating.

I've been on my new meds for over a month, and it's supposed to help regulate my hormones, which in turn will help me ovulate more regularly.

But I'm currently experiencing tender bosoms (well, tender nipples actually). I'm also REALLY horny, and uh, very well lubricated.

It's driving me insane that The Husband isn't here! I mean, not only are we not taking advantage of a possible ovulation, but he isn't here to satiate my constant state of arousal.

I've been taking care of myself, but it's just not the same! Nothing beats a real penis. Nothing.

I'll finally see The Husband on Thursday, but who knows, my horniness might've passed by then.

Bachelor(ette) party

2011-06-06T09:00:00.001-06:00

The Husband attended a bachelor party last week, and I think it was the most boring bachelor party I've ever heard of.

They gathered at a friend's house, barbequed and hung out. If that's what the groom wanted, then I'm sure it was a great party, but doesn't it sound sad?

I remember when The Husband had his party. His brothers and friends took him to dinner, a bar and a strip club. I remember The Husband being kinda upset because one of his good friends didn't make it out; his wife forbade him to go to the strip club (which I kind of don't get, but to each their own).

I remember my bachelorette party being pretty fun. My girls took me out to dinner, then on to a bar for some good old fashioned drinking. We went loaded with cash so we could get properly lit, but ended up on scholarship (a term we use for when we get drinks bought for us and we end up not spending a dime). Oh the endless shots that kept appearing!

Don't worry, we didn't drink and drive. We had our friend's husband pick us up, and then our respective mates get us from their house. We even got a pic with the police officers who stood outside with us when we were waiting for our ride.

The Husband told me he found us sprawled out on the front lawn and giggling when he drove up. With a flabbergasted husband standing in the driveway claiming "I can't control them. You try." I guess as the husbands/boyfriends showed up, they just stood around waiting for us to settle down. The Husband likened it to a play date.

Good times.

Gaydar

2011-06-03T09:00:00.004-06:00

Um, what a weird little tidbit.

We can apparently guess a male's sexual orientation by listening to how they pronounce their vowels.

But only 77% of the time.

Read the article here.

Love story

2011-06-02T09:00:00.001-06:00

Have you ever noticed that children's movies are decieving when it comes to love?

I understand that it's a children's movie, but should they really be conveying the message that after a couple adventure filled days, you are in love?

Alright, I'm being a bit dramatic, but I just watched Tangled, and it was really cute, but it just made me realize something: the attraction to 'bad boys' comes from children's movies.

For instance:

In Tangled, the male love interest is a wanted thief. But she turns his life around, he changes, they fall in love.

Let's be honest, Shrek is kind of an asshole. But he still gets the lady, cause she changed for him so they could be swamp people together.

The prince in Princess and the Frog was a partying playboy who found love and settled down.

Belle from Beauty and the Beast had to put up with one grumpy bastard before he settled down and turned into a freakin' prince after he fell in love.

Seriously, lets just admit it. If he's an asshole, he's an asshole. He won't change for you and you can't change him. You can't change yourself either. So forget the brooding guy in the corner, and pick the one that opened the door for you.

I see you

2011-06-01T09:00:00.001-06:00

The Husband and I have decided to video chat. I'm talking about that kind of video chat.

We had an awesome roll in the hay before I left, and we will see each other intermittently, but the thought that you can't have sex whenever you feel like it makes it more desirable.

However, since both of us are paranoid freaks, neither of us plan on video-ing anything graphic. And really, who doesn't find their significant others' O face sexy?

Can you imagine their O face right now? Does it get you hot and bothered?

The Husband tries to make my O face, and it always makes me giggle because it apparently involves closed eyes, either slightly parted lips or me biting my lower lip.

At least he knows what my O face looks like.

2 Weeks

2011-05-31T09:00:00.003-06:00

The Husband and I are pretty much leading separate lives for the next (almost) two weeks.

This is not sitting well with me. I have been in Colorado Springs since Saturday working till next Monday, but am not commuting to Denver everyday - because that would suck balls.

The Husband came down yesterday to hang out, but I won't see him again till late Friday. But on Sunday he's flying out to Florida till Thursday.

We're both grumpy with the situation, so The Husband came up with the idea that I should meet him in Florida on the Thursday he's supposed to come back, have a mini vacay and return on Sunday.

We still haven't decided on what to do yet.

Any recommendations on what to do in the Sarasota area?

Memorial Day

2011-05-30T10:52:00.001-06:00

Blogging from my phone since I don't have access to any computers at the moment.

But I hope you have the day off and are enjoying yourself!

And of course remembering what memorial day is all about.

TV guide

2011-05-27T09:00:00.001-06:00

There seems to be a plethora of sex related shows popping up all over the place right now.

TLC's Strange Sex is by far my favorite. Did any of you see the episode where the guy had to have his penis taken off? He had a constant erection, went to the doctor, and they made him get his penis drained every day. He decided to stop the recommended drainings, and went to another doctor after a while, and by then it was too late, and he had to get his penis removed.

Showtime's Gigolos is another show that I find rather hilarious. Obviously, the show is about gigolos. But OMG, are they tools. It's one of those shows you watch because it's like a train wreck. And, some of the scenes are obviously set up, because what woman in their right mind would pay for sex and then be interviewed on camera for it?

Sex and the City seems to be on every single channel that you just can't get away from it. When you watch the shows the first time round, you're kind into the story and the fashion. But when you watch it again, you realize how neurotic Carrie Bradshaw is. And now, the fashion looks so dated because it was so trendy.

Also on Showtime, is Secret Diary of a Call Girl. Sex and the City - esque, but filmed in a bit more gritty way. Somewhat humorous, but if you start watching in the middle of the season, things can be a bit confusing.

I'm waiting for the premier of The Real L Word, again, on Showtime, to see what that's all about.

What do you watch?

Sore

2011-05-26T09:00:00.000-06:00

You know when you get in a good workout and you experience the soreness afterward? But it hurts so good?

That can happen with the lady bits too.

The Husband doesn't get rough very often, but when he does.. it leaves me speechless - and sore. It's a refreshing change of pace every once in a while, and it's pretty feakin' hot.

You see gentlemen (the 3 of you that read this), there needs to be variation in the bedroom; if you always have rough sex, it makes it seem like I'm not valuable enough to be handled with care. If you always have gentle sex, we start to wonder if there's enough man in there.

I know, I know, we ladies are a demanding bunch, but you wouldn't want to have sex in the same position forever and ever would you?

So consider your moves in the bedroom, and if it seems like it's been a long time since you've had rough/gentle sex, give it a go.

We don't agree on everything

2011-05-25T09:00:00.001-06:00

Ever since we first started dating, I've known that The Husband has a thing for the school girl look; I have never been very fond of it.

As you probably know, both The Husband and I are Catholics. The Husband went to Catholic school up to 8th grade, but his school did not require uniforms. I went to Catholic elementary school (for about 3 years) and I was required to wear a uniform.

See where this is going?

For The Husband, it's still a fantasy because it was something he never had.

For me, it was something that I had to wear everyday, so the appeal is gone. My uniform consisted of a red plaid skirt and white button up for warmer months and a red plaid jumper worn over a white button up, with a red sweater for colder months.

Of course I'm not into the school girl thing when I correlate red plaid with my childhood.

I did dress up as a school girl one Halloween, and I remember The Husband had a lot of fun with it. He didn't let me take off the skirt, knee high socks and Mary Janes.

However, I think the fantasy would be gone forever if we ever have children and decide to send them to a Catholic school with uniforms.

Media center

2011-05-23T09:00:00.000-06:00

The Husband is a Financial Analyst and so that entails a whole lotta spreadsheets. Whenever he had to work on anything from home, he would always grumble about the fact that our computer only had one monitor.

For shame!

Well, that fact was remedied this weekend when The Husband called me from an electronics store and asked if he could buy a monitor that was on sale. I tell you, good things do not happen when The Husband goes to an electronics store with The Brother-in-Law.

We now have two monitors proudly sitting on our desk, and I must admit that it is kinda nice.

However, I was looking at another sex blog, and opened up their Tumblr on the other monitor when The Husband walked in and said, "You really are taking advantage of the two monitors aren't you?"

Well yes, yes I was.

Rapturous

2011-05-20T09:00:00.003-06:00

I'm sure you've all heard that the rapture will be this Saturday.

While some people are planning rapture parties, I'll be spending Saturday like any other Saturday. Sleeping in with The Husband, having some weekend sex and general lounging.

What are your weekend/rapture plans?

Peeping Tom

2011-05-19T09:00:00.001-06:00

I don't really know what to make of this..

Like a lot of suburbs out there, The Husband and I live in a subdivision and our house backs up to another house. We essentially share a backyard, but since we have a walk-out basement and they don't, we can see into their backyard with relative ease. They can see our first and second floor.

Well, I like to keep the curtains open on our sliding glass door during the day to let sunlight in, and our sliding glass door is in our kitchen/dining area. So when The Husband gets home from work I'm usually in the kitchen making dinner, and that's where I greet him.

Earlier this week, I greeted The Husband a bit more enthusiastically than normal and happened to look out the door and saw our neighbor's son with binoculars!

At first I thought that maybe it was a new toy and he was looking at birds or scenery, but when I stopped making out with The Husband and looked right at him, he backed up and closed his shades immediately.

Coincidence or peepery?

I'm hoping it was coincidence because he's only 14 or so.

Dimples

2011-05-18T09:00:00.000-06:00

You know the dimples right above a girl's (or a guy's) ass? Are those hereditary?

Because I've just realized that no one in my family has them. Since I'm an only child, I can only look to my cousins and none of them have them either.

You might say that you have to be really small to have them be pronounced, but I have a cousin that wears size 00 (yeah, double zero, but she's also 5'1"), and she still doesn't have them.

And is it rarer for guys to have them?

Also, do you find the dimples cute/sexy/ugly/indifferent?

Backseat driver

2011-05-17T09:00:00.000-06:00

When's the last time you had car sex?

The husband and I figure the last time we had actual sex in a car was back in 2004. We both remember it fondly because we were driving through the mountains when we pulled over.

All the while making sure there weren't any State Troopers driving by. Ah, to be young again.

The Husband and I have lost a bit of the spontaneity of yesteryear, but I don't know if I really miss it either.

Part of the spontaneity came from the fact that we couldn't have sex anytime like we can now. We had to dance around different school schedules, work schedules, roommates and whatever else got in the way.

But those days were still fun, and perhaps worth revisiting.

The Husband's feminine side

2011-05-16T09:00:00.001-06:00

The Husband would never freely admit this, but I think he secretly enjoys chick flicks.

I think the cheesiness and corniness suck him into a mindless state. I'll have a movie playing while doing random household chores on the weekend, and the next thing I know, there's The Husband lounging on the couch laughing at a scene.

When I stop what I'm doing and look at him when he lets out a chuckle, he tells me to shut up.

But the thing is, I find it kinda cute and entertaining. The Husband is one of those guys that will quote random movie quotes, and quotes from chick flicks will inevitably end up in his repertoire.

Of course used mostly on me, since I'm the only one that will get them.

I'm thinking of taking him to the movie Bridesmaids.

Body warmth

2011-05-11T22:28:00.000-06:00

The weather here has been crazy this last week. It went from 80 degree weather during the weekend to 60 degree non stop rain and hail midweek. We turned on the A/C and the heater in the same week.

Since we had the heat off when it got cold and rainy, it got super cold in the house and we stupidly couldn't figure it out cause we had forgotten that the heat was off.

Once we remembered, the house was 62 degrees and we were freezing our asses off. So we turned on the heat and got under the covers.

And what better way to get warm?

Work up your heart rate a little and sweat a little bit, and before you know it you'll welcome the chilly air.

Party like it's 1999

2011-05-11T09:00:00.000-06:00

It's that time of year folks. When people are either graduating or getting hitched.

The Husband I had an October wedding, so people weren't too partied out for our wedding.

I like to think that people had fun at our wedding. After all, we still have people come up to us and tell us how much fun they had 3 years later.

So here are a few things that we did:

Free beer and wine. We did give the bar $1,000 for liquor, but it was gone before we even got to the reception. But free beer and wine will keep them happy while you finish pictures.
Self seating. We had 200 guests and I wasn't going to take the time to find seating arrangements. Let them figure it out, they're grown ups after all.
Buffet. Nothing sucks worse than stopping by McD's cause there wasn't enough food at a party. We had 3 carving stations, 2 types of salad, fish, vegetarian ravioli, and 3 types of hors d'oeuvres for cocktail hour and it still cost less than a plated dinner. And people left full.
Small cake. Just get a three tier cake decorated, and the rest as sheet cakes. It's gonna get cut up anyway, and it'll be cheaper.
Relax and have fun. Our cake topper fell off the cake, and The Sister-in-law freaked out about it more than I did. I just shrugged and did the YMCA.

Anyone else have party advice?

Polyandry

2011-05-10T09:00:00.000-06:00

I was watching the show Taboo on NatGeo when they did a piece on polyandry - when a woman has more than one husband.

In this particular piece, the woman was married to brothers, as was the culture in their village. It was a way to secure the family farmlands without splitting it up, and for the brothers to take care of each other. However, brothers can opt out if they choose.

When children are born everyone takes care of them like their own child, and the child just has multiple fathers.

But what happens if you're not attracted to one of them, or you had a definite favorite? Would that cause more rift in the family than the original intentions of keeping the family together?

Could you share your spouse? If when you married, you were marrying your spouse's siblings as well, would you have married them?